Archive for January, 2007

The Prince? But didn’t you know…?

January 30, 2007 · Filed under boys, life

I have this friend. Well, I guess she’s not really a friend these days.

I have this girl I went to high school with. She’s obsessed with guys. Not in a dirty way, not that she sleeps around. In a way that drives her to buy books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and constantly have away messages that say things like, “I’m so over boys, they’re yucky.” Followed hours later by, “Why won’t he just love me?”

I have never known anyone so boy crazy. She’s nuts. It’s all she talks about, all she thinks about. It’s inane, it’s obnoxious, it’s really just… it seems like a waste of time to me. How are you supposed to find a guy who IS that into you if all you’re doing is talking about boys? Go out. Do something. Be something. Figure life out!

However, I am boy crazy, too. In a different sort of way. I don’t babble about what evils the current Crush O’ The Moment has done to me, or lament the lack of good boys in the world. No, I just quietly long for a stable relationship. I pine for long-term comitment that involves sparkly diamond rings and regular Saturday thift store dates and the weeding of books that both of you own. (Who needs two copies of “A Rumor of War” or something similar? Seriously.)

I don’t really know what to do about this. I don’t want to date. I want to be in a Relationship. A Long-Term Relationship. (LTR, if you will.) It’s frustrating, and it makes me sad. Not in a… hang-out-in-bed-and-eat-ice-cream-all-day sort of way. More in a sigh-and-shake-my-head-when-I-think-about-it sort of way.

All I want is to get married, have a little house, buy organic vegetables, have a baby, and live happily ever after. And I don’t mean happily ever after in that way that some people mean happily ever after. I mean… The kind of life where you disagree and compromise. The kind where you sit in bed on Sunday morning, and read the New York Times and the Washington Post together, passing the two back and forth, trading quips and reading aloud from time to time. The kind of life where you weather tough moments and yell and then come back and make up. The kind of life where you raise great kids and love on your neighbors and build the Kingdom of God. That kind of happily ever after. Maybe I am boy crazy. But I think I’m okay with being this kind of boy crazy.

Until then, I’ll keep vintage shopping alone, pining for the green and purple (!) bungalow for rent down the street, and reading parenting books. Because, one day, I’ll find him. And he won’t be Prince Charming. He’ll have warts and issues and baggage, just like I do. But, I’m optimistic that between the two of us, we can manage the baggage we both carry. I’m optimistic that there’s someone out there who’ll love me like I deserve to be loved.

But waiting’s a bitch, isn’t it?

Title comes from the following exchange in Cinderella:
 Cinderella: It’s midnight.
Prince Charming: Yes, so it is.
Cinderella: Goodbye.
Prince Charming: Goodbye? But you can’t go now.
Cinderella: Oh, I must, please.
Prince Charming: But why?
Cinderella: Uh, well, uh… the Prince. I haven’t met the Prince.
Prince Charming: The Prince?… but didn’t you know…?
(Sometimes, we miss what’s right in front of our very eyes, no?)

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$a$$y’s Broke!

January 28, 2007 · Filed under money

So, I have reccently made a big decision regarding my finances:

I’m going to declare bankruptcy.

At the tender age of 22. Ho hum. Can you say it with me now? Loser.

Not so much. I’m proud of myself for making that decision, taking the steps, meeting with the lawyer.

I have $15,000 in credit card debt. Yes. You did read that right. That’s a lot. My credit is just wrecked. Late payments, overlimit fees, high interest rates. The best thing I can do is to declare bankruptcy and move on. It marks a new chapter in my life. (Ha. Pun unintended. Chapter… Chapter 13… I slay me.) So, there it is. I’m going to be declaring bankruptcy, and starting fresh financially. Of course, my credit will still be wrecked, but I can start rebuilding it, and saving.

And now, I’ve shared with the internets.

Open living, indeed!

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Well, to be quite sure, I have failed miserably at…

January 26, 2007 · Filed under misery

Well, to be quite sure, I have failed miserably at the posting once-a-day challenge.

I’m also miserably ill. I’ve managed to contract both an ear infection and an upper respiratory infection. The ear infection can be addressed with antibiotics but the URI is a virus which must just run its course. Terribly bitter about that, naturally.

I’m doing well, I have to say. School is great. The semester is young but I’m committed and that’s a big difference from last semester. And my life at church is exceptional right now.

This is one of those update posts that is bad for a blog, but I’m afraid it’s all I can manage for now!

And I have to say, when Lady M posted a comment to ask me if I was okay… It warmed me, right down to my toes. Thanks, Lady M!

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Let’s reconsider the proposition…

January 16, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo

I have discovered some things about myself. I am a terrible daily blogger.

I think I am certainly capable of good writing and thought-provoking posts, but…

Not every day!

I just lack the time and discipline.

Which is a bit humiliating, considering the fact that I created a daily posting meme for the month.

As Pooh Bear would say… Oh, bother.

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a conversation. in three scenes.

January 13, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo, friends, misery

Scene: Matt’s Living Room. Thursday night. 6pm.

Him: “Why so sad, sweetheart?”
Me: shrug, sit down beside him on the loveseat.
Him: slides an arm around me. “You want to talk about it?”
Me: shakes head, snuggles close.
Him: Long silence. He strokes my hair, kisses my forehead.
Him: “What happened?”
Me: it’s hard to force the whisper out. “I just did something really, really stupid.”
Him: “It’ll be okay.”
Me: big, shaking sobs. my whole body heaves with emotion. I have never before moaned with emotional pain.
Him: Holds tighter. “I love you. It’s okay.”
Me: “God hates me. I’m so sorry.”
Him: “God never hates you. Don’t apologize. You’ve already been forgiven.”

***

Scene: Matt’s Living Room. Thursday night. 10pm.
I’m laying on the couch, my head in his lap. He’s stroking my hair with one hand, his other hand on my arm, holding me.
Me: “I should go and let you sleep.”
Him: “Crash here.”
Me: “Okay.”
Him: “Can you stand?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Him: “I’ll help you.”
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Him: “I know.”

He helps me to his bed. I crawl in, exhausted.

***

Scene: Matt’s bed. 3am.

Me: sobbing again. can’t breathe. can’t stop crying.
Him: wakes up slowly. “Sweetheart?”
Me: can’t talk. can’t breathe. can’t stop crying.
Him: spoons me, wrapping me up in his arms, kisses my hair. “It’s okay. You’re a good girl.”
Me: “I’m so scared.”
Him: “You’re safe. I have you.”
Me: “Don’t let go.”
Him: kisses my forehead. strokes my arm, holds me, murmurs softly, nothing in particular.
Him: whispers softly. “I’m not letting go. You’re safe here.”

***

Honest talk and real answers about sex and God in Lauren Winner’s “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.”

She wrote Girl Meets God, as well as several other books and deals firmly with the challenges about being a Christian in a modern world soaked in sex. Excellent book, excellent perspective.

Also, she’s a cool girl. I met her at the Jubilee Conference in Pittsburgh, and she was COOL. She’s getting her Masters of Divinity at Duke University which is just down the road, and is friends with my chaplain. She’s cool!

Read the book. It’s good, I promise.

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How do you say, "I’m a geek," in Greek?

January 11, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo, geekdom, jesus owns my soul

Two books today since I missed yesterday due to a severe case of serious exhaustion that required a face plant into my pillow at 10pm. I have a couple of major posts stirring, so stay tuned and I’ll manage to get past the dreck I’ve been churning out as of late.

***

Inspired by Lara, one of my favorite books in the WORLD… Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin. Look, if you’ve never read Miss Manners, if you think that she’s staid and boring… You’re WRONG. She’s witty, she’s funny… It’s delightful. I love it. It’s completely wonderful AND useful. You should read it, and keep it on your shelf. It’s perfect for every etiquette problem you could possibly imagine.

Marching right along… On a completely different note, my second book of the day. Something you may not know about me: I’m considering going to Divinity school after I graduate from my undergraduate years. In Divinity School, particularly the one I would like to attend, (Well, maybe here, here, or here) you dabble in a little thing we like to call Hebrew & Greek. Sounds terrifying doesn’t it?

So, for shiggles, I bought this book. Learn New Testament Greek. How’s that exploit going? Not that great. But, having bought the book, I feel proactive and dedicated. Besides, when someone sees it on my shelf, or beside my bed, they think I’m really smart. This semester, I’m taking “Introduction to Biblical Literature”, so I’ll get to study all sorts of different translations, plus write exegesis papers. I’m actually really excited, because… Well. I’m a geek.

So, now you know the complete extent of my geekdom – New Testament Greek and Miss Manners!

Until tomorrow!

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Queue Up!

January 9, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo, song of the south

Okay, so I joined Netflix. (I know, welcome to 2002.) However, I need recommendations and suggestions for my queue! You smart, talented people let me know what you think I should be watching, mmkay?

I’m moving back to school tomorrow, and I have mixed feelings about that situation. On one hand, I’m excited, ready to start a new semester. I’ve purchased my notebooks, labeled my dividers, and made ready a new planner. (A super spiffy, day by day. Appointment allotments for every fifteen minutes. Sweeeet.)

However, I’m also feeling really mixed. I didn’t have a good semester, last semester. I’m behind to graduate. I’ve been unfocused and unable to get things done.

I have to do better this semester, and I think I will be able to. I’ve made some changes (some voluntary, some not so much) that will hopefully allow me to manage my time better, to do better. I also have a lot of exciting things on the horizon. I’m going to rush a sorority, and continue my involvement at my church. It’s going to be good. I just… Hope that I can be more successful in the coming semester.

***

Day Eight of SaBloBoMo! After my LOVELY Bobby book last night, I’m moving on to less tragic, more entertaining waters. Well. Maybe not less tragic. Holy crap, I’m obsessed with being southern. Alas, this is a great book.

Allan Gurganus is a gay author who often focuses on my beloved south and lives in my hometown! He was kind enough to teach a writing workshop to my high school writing club when I was president, and I’m a fan of him.

This novel, Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All, is freaking genius. It’s incredibly long, sort’ve confusing, and completely amazing. It details a fictional interview with, well, duh, the oldest living confederate widow.

Lucy Mardsen married an old man, a veteran of The War of Northern Aggression, when she was just a girl. She was naive and innocent, and in chapters titled things like, “Simon’s Splendid Pocket Watch, Its Fate,” and “In Which Our Heroine Pretty Much Catches the Works,” Gurganus weaves a tale that baffles and bewitches.

It’s a long book, over 700 pages, but well worth it. The book could probably be shorter, but it’s important to understand – this isn’t a linear novel with a beginning, a middle, and an end. It reads more like a collection, an old lady’s muddled memoirs. It’s all written in the voice of Lucy, right down to all her silly sayings and deep south dialect.

A most excellent work from a very nice fellow. Furthermore, he has this comforting nugget of wisdom, “Novelists don’t really start life till turning forty. By that measure, as an artist, I am just eighteen. I have only just begun…”

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I think I’ve run out of words for the evening. So,…

January 8, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo, bobby, sad times

I think I’ve run out of words for the evening. So, without further ado…

***
Day Seven of SaBloBoMo. A continuation of my love for an American hero.

Searching for America’s Heart: RFK and the Renewal of Hope.

“Too much and too long, we seem to have surrendered community excellence and community values in the mere accumulation of material things. Our gross national product … if we should judge America by that – counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for those who break them. It counts the destruction of our redwoods and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and the cost of a nuclear warhead, and armored cars for police who fight riots in our streets. It counts Whitman’s rifle and Speck’s knife, and the television programs which glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children.


Yet the gross national product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education, or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages; the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage; neither our wisdom nor our learning; neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country; it measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it tells us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans.”

- Robert F. Kennedy on the GNP

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Walk like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight, honey!

January 7, 2007 · Filed under SaBloBoMo

Oh, America’s Next Top Model. For the past week, I have done nothing but watch that show. All seven seasons of it. In a row. I did take breaks to sleep and shower, but other than that, I was a slug.

And I love it.

Miss J. Alexandar, a drag queen runway coach. Mr. Jay, a loving but bitchy art director. JANICE DICKINSON, the love of my life. If I could die, and come back as the biggest bitch ever, I’d be Janice. And of course, Tyra. I want to hang out with Tyra. She’s like, the older sister you never got but want.

Oh, man. The moments of hilarity never ended. Those girls were hilariously shallow, bitchy, and diva-tastic. These girls, who have never managed to make it anywhere, except to this reality TV show, think that they know all. It’s just good fun. And

Or maybe my life is lame – because I watched it for a WEEK.

Thus…

***

Day Six of the SaBloBoMo…

Really? Need I say more? Jaaaaanice.

Why am I sooooo obsessed with fashion and modeling? I don’t know. Check, Please! is definitely a memoir that dressed up like an advice book for Halloween – just what I was hoping for. Janice Dickinson is over the top, hard to take, and ridiculous. Fun times for a few hours.

I’m cheating and doing two, but the other one, Runway, with photos by Larry Fink, is just an amazing coffee table style book with a look behind the scenes at major fashion shows. High heels breaking, naked models, crazy hairstyles… It’s amazing. It was a major find for me at the flea market – $10!!

I love coffee table books (even though I have no coffee table) and this is no exception.

Thus ends our America’s Next Top Model Themed Post! Maybe my brain will start working again now that I’m not watching THE SAME THING ON TV FOR SIX DAYS. Maybe?

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"We’re walking, we’re walking…."

January 5, 2007 · Filed under Politics, i've got a peaceful feeling, jesus owns my soul

Kathy asked me to share the details of an embarrassing moment. I had to sit and think for a bit. What should I write about? The time my best friend and I got into a screaming match at school and I called him a liar and he called me a whore? Hm. The time I threw up on my then-boyfriend at the opera because of bad (baaaad) chicken salad? Noooo. I KNOW what I’ll write about!

My freshman year of college, I was heavily involved in politics. I had an internship that impressed my College President, and so, when a US Congressman who represented the district my college lives in came about and asked for a student to take him on a tour, I was picked.

What a fantastic opportunity! I would basically get half an hour to hang out with a Congressman, and tell him about my wonderful little school! Well. One has to be professional for such situations! So, that afternoon, I carefully dressed – black slacks from Nordstroms, a pale pink oxford, a black cardigan, and black high heels. Picture of neat professionalism, I was.

It was drizzling a bit, so the kind Congressman was carrying an umbrella, large enough for both of us to walk under. We began to tour, and I went into a great amount of detail. We talked and considered every aspect of my small campus, discussed my political ambitions, the upcoming presidential election, and the problems of poverty and AIDS. I was flying high, what a fantastic opportunity for ME, a little old 19 year old college freshman! SPLENDID!

Well, my campus is built of brick. Really. The whole thing. Except the part that’s pretty porches and columns. See? All sorts of brick. That’s not even the brickiest part of campus. So, you’ll have to take my word. These bricks, many of them very old, can be uneven. (Oh, dear reader, you see where this is going, don’t you?) Also, it was drizzling, so the bricks were a bit slick. Also, I was wearing high heels. Also… Disaster ahead, no?

We’re about to end our tour when… I step on an uneven brick. My heel slips on the wet surface, my feet slide out from under me. The Congressman, being a consumate gentleman, tries to catch me. He drops the umbrella, grabs my elbow… But no. I’m going down. And now, he’s coming with me.

We both end up sprawled on the brick, in a puddle, no less. I’m humiliated, his staff is freaking out, and he’s laughing. I must have flushed fifteen shades of red, pink, and purple. It was MORTIFYING. He swore it was no big deal, and told me not to worry about it.

However, my Daddy, upon hearing the story, just shook his head. “You shouldn’t have gotten so cocky about how well it was going. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”

My Daddy. Philosopher AND political commentator.

Indeed.

***

Day Five of the SaBloBoMo… The Irresistible Revolution: Living Life as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. My faith is something that’s important to me, and often times, I find myself surrounded by people more concerned with who loves Jesus the “right” way, why being Gay is so very wrong, and what God can give THEM. I’ve seen girls my age consumed with campus ministries, growing cruel and exclusionary, all while ignoring the call to love. For a long time, it turned me off to Christianity.

I struggle with my desire for material things, and my desire for experiences that make me feel good. After all, that’s what God wants, right? He wants me to be happy, right? … Right?

Du’oh. The Irresistible Revolution is the passionate story of a man who realizes that truly following God jacks up your life more than anything imaginable. He talks about working with Mother Theresa in Calcutta, dressing the wounds of leapers; making friends with Philly’s homeless; battling for social justice. He lives in an intentional community called The Simple Way, where the focus is on loving God and loving their neighbors.

It’s an inspirational book, but not in that cheap, cheesey way of someone like Rick Warren (or God help me, Joel Olsteen). Claiborne urges us to understand that following Christ is not an easy path. It doesn’t lead to fame and fortune. It drives us to our knees, forcing us to seek God as we build His Kingdom. Excellent book – for the believer OR the non-believer.

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