This month’s National Blog Posting Month theme is “Voice”. So, since I’m still so rushed for time, here’s a voice that inspires me and calls me out every time I hear it.
“Abba Father, you must wonder why
More times than Peter I have denied…
Well, it’s time to get on my knees and pray
Lord undo me…”
A dangerous prayer to pray, but one I need to be more consistent in. If I’m being honest, my life could benefit from a big dose of God taking control and me letting go.
Oh, Lord. I’m just struggling, y’all.
I’m struggling with the past: things that have happened, things that I’ve done.
I’m struggling with the present: school, finding a part-time job, managing my finances, personal relationships.
I’m struggling with the future: where I’m living next year, what to do after graduation.
Still, Christ has come beside me and gently taken my hand. Hush, He whispers. I am here.
I’ve had reminder after reminder of His love and provision, and yet I still doubt. I have seen Him work in the lives of my friends and family, and yet I still doubt.
Hush, He whispers. I am here. I love you.
He has sent me cheesey Christian movies. He has sent me cheesey Christian books. He has sent me redemption and grace through pages and music and hugs.
I was listening to this song, by this woman by the name of Kendall Payne. It’s a beautiful song, it was used on Grey’s Anatomy. There’s a line that He whispers to me, over and over, as sure as my iTunes keeps repeating:
You were on mind when the world was made/Trust in me, my child. Trust in me, my child.
Still. I doubt.
I am afraid, I tell Him. I know that, He replies. Hush. I am here. I love you.
I sink into my bed at night, thinking of Him. Finally, of Him and Him alone. Where are you? I ask, tears slipping down and hitting my pillowcase. Where are you?
Beside you, my love. I am always beside you.
He whispers my name. He calls me Beloved.
I am His, and He is mine.
This is grace.
Still. I doubt.
Still. He forgives.
His voice is sweet. His rebuke is gentle.
Hush. I am here. Trust me. I love you. I will not leave you.
I hear Him. I start to believe.
At least tonight. Tonight, I will rest in Him. I will close my eyes and love my Beloved.
I’m broken hearted tonight.
But two of my very best friends have just left. One left the state, moving to the Midwest, and the other left the country!
HP has been like the big sister I never really had, someone to go to with problems from the major to the inconsequential. I feel like a piece of my heart is driving to Kansas right now. Coming home from her going away party, I cried so hard that I had to pull my car over.
KH is departing for Colombia, to receive training in ministry and sharing the gospel. She’s got a beautiful heart, and a beautiful soul, and I know that the Lord will use her well… But MAN. I want here HERE.
I feel like I’m just doubting God’s plan for my life. I don’t doubt the work He’s doing in the lives of KH & HP. But I wonder why He keeps dropping people in my life, only for me to watch them walk away. I wonder why I have finally made deeper connections than ever before – only to have them ripped away.
It hurts.
Even as I see Him working in my life to bring new friendships, to deepen other relationships, I mourn the ones that are changing due to distance. I mourn the loss of hugs and late night drives and trials shared and triumphs celebrated. I want my friends back.
I’m just very sad tonight.
Advent Sunday is the beginning of the Advent Season. December 2nd. One day from now. Advent. Christmas. What’s it all mean? The word Advent comes from latin – “The Coming” and in this case… The coming of the Lord and our Savior. At the start of this advent, I’ve been thinking, reflecting, praying a lot lately. About a lot of things.
What does it mean to follow Christ? What does it mean to be a Christian? It’s interesting to me that people shy away from faith. Shy away from discussion. To speak up, to talk freely about faith… It’s taboo in the secular world. And I don’t understand why. Even here on this blog, discussions of religion, my thoughts on aspects of Christianity specifically, is usually met with an awkward silence. I’ve even gotten emails… “You’re not a Christian blog. I don’t read you to read some sermon.”
Huuuuuh.
The time of advent is a time of waiting. A time pregnant with hope and hesitancy and need. I am awaiting the coming of my Savior, the earthly incarnation of my Lord and King. I apologize that my faith, and the boldness with which I speak of it, offends some of you. If it turns you away, if it makes you not want to read: so be it.
I’ve been thinking a lot as I begin to prepare for this wait. About the way I live my life. About what I do with my time. About who I am. And I will not be silent as I wait.
He won’t allow it. Somehow, even though I’m stupid and depraved… He keeps breathing His spirit my way. And I can’t stay silent about that.
Blessings as advent begins. Come and wait with me; wait for Him.
He’s the, “most influential Christian,” of 2006. Barbara Walters named him one of her Ten Fascinating People in that same year. He writes books with titles like “The Best You Now!” and “Become a Better You!” He’s a motivational speaker lauded for his positive thinking. He writes sermons with titles like, “Positioning yourself for greatness!” His church is beyond a mega church and well into the realm of giganorma-Church. We’re talking somewhere around 50,000 people pour in to listen to him each week.
Today was just a really cool day. Babysitting was… eh. E, the five year old boy, is difficult to deal with. Very much a “neener, neener, neener” kind of kid. However, the 20 month old, J, went with Mom, so it was easier than normal.
After babysitting, I headed off for coffee with Jon of Idiot Wind. It was good, it was incredibly helpful. He had a lot of insight about some whining complaints I’ve been having, and this gem: “Ha. Your subconscious was laughing at you in a dark corner.”
Then, dinner with my bible study and off to the Derek Webb concert. Holy crap. It was really and truly completely amazing. I was not a Derek Webb fan but I now am. Nothing like a modern day prophet to make you realize how jacked up you are.
Derek Webb’s a controversial figure in the Christian world. Naturally, he uses words like “whore” in his songs, criticizes the modern church, and challenges us to believe that Christ really did mean everything He said.
Yeah.
Nothing like coffee with my brother in Christ and a modern day prophet dressed as a rock star to get my head on straight.
Author’s note: Please keep in mind that this reflects a very specific, Christian world-view from a very specific, Southern American perspective. Also, again, this is not a personal judgment on your marriage, life, religious choices, etc.
I’ve been reflecting on Marriage quite a bit these days. It seems like everyone I know has an opinion. Either people are crazy nuts to get married young or people are going to be sad and lonely their entire lives if they’re not hitched by 20. People in my circle are marrying, having babies, settling in. Settling down, some people call it.
Of course, there are the enthusiastic supporters of marriage. And then there are those who say I’m crazy to desire to get married. “What?! You’re SO YOUNG. You have the REST OF YOUR LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. Don’t RUSH.” Okay, got it. You think life is over when marriage begins. I heartily disagree, but that’s a post for another time.
I was reading the blog of a friend of mine, and he wrote this entry, specifically regarding the marriage of non-Christians:
It’s plagiarism, to be honest here. Marriage was created by God. That’s why we have it. It’s a gift to explain a covenant He made with us. You disrespect that when you give no credit to whom credit is due.
That is possibly the coolest thing I have ever read. (Well, excepting the gospel itself. And the rest of the bible). Before you start screaming at me, understand that I mean no disrespect to non-Christians who are married. Please don’t think that’s my implication.
(Also not the topic of discussion here: the brutal unfairness and discrimination that is a lack of equal legal rights for those not identifying as heterosexual. That blows.)
But we live in a culture where marriage is the death toll for real life, the kind that’s fun to live. You know what I mean: where husbands are bumbling, wives are shrewish, kids are a hassle… He just wants to play golf and she just wants to go shopping. How many times have people said: “It’s just a piece of paper, why bother getting married?” Or people point to the divorce rate and ask, “What’s the point?”
We live in a culture where people spend tens – even hundreds – of thousands of dollars on their weddings and then get divorced due to debt. Where infidelity is an expectation, men are emasculated, and women are stereotyped.
If you look at marriage like that… Well. What IS the point?
What my friend Jon is pointing out, and what’s inspired me so much this fine chilly evening, is the reminder that marriage isn’t about the dress or the linens or losing the rest of your life. It’s about becoming a living, breathing personification of the love God has for us, evidenced by His covenant with us.
And as for those people who tell me I would be kissing my life good-bye if I were to get married at this age? I say: you’re silly. Because I’m going to live and laugh and love and keep on going when I get married. (One day, after I meet a hypothetical boy who can become my hypothetical husband.) And I’m going to do it all for the glory of my King.
Sweet, ain’t it?
Okay. So, I have, for some silly reason, signed up for both National Novel Writing Month and National Blog Posting Month. This means that I have pledged to both write a 50,000 word novel and post on my blog every day. Go me! Insanity becomes me, right?
So, does anyone have any ideas for posts? I’m sure I’ll need them.
In the meantime, I leave you with a quote (as I am so fond of quotations.)
“The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart – this you will build your life by, and this you will become.”
- James Allen
For this month? My vision includes the following:
Hm. Well, I’m writing a Christian novel. But I’ll be on the computer a lot. So we’ll see, I guess. There’s a lot on my mind, and I’ve got the Chronicles of Narnia on the brain.
“Aslan’s on the move…”
Yeah, He certainly is in my life.
I’m afraid this might make little to no sense, but… It does to me, at least. And just think. Thirty days of rambling! Yay!
(Hilarious: WordPress’s spell check doesn’t recognize “blog” or “wordpress” as words. Awesome.)
I am not Catholic, nor a wife, nor a mother. Yet… She is like balm to a soul battered by a world that tells me womanhood is about being sexy, seeking fame and fortune, and always being on top of the world.
(It does, admittedly, make me long to have grown up in a home like that. I can’t even imagine…)
There are moments when I come to terms with my own beauty.
That seems, I suppose, an odd way to put it. Come to terms.
But I’ve spent my entire life disliking my appearance. I’m not what I want to be. I could stand to lose some weight. My skin is impossible, I’m always breaking out. My hair never does what I want. I have abnormally large man-hands.
But from time to time, I realize that I am beautiful.
I realize that my body that I often feel at war with can be alluring. I consider the green of my eyes and the fair, flawless base that is my skin. I have cute freckles. My lips are luscious! My man-hands are long and elegant.
What is it that causes us to lose sight of our natural beauty? Don’t we all have things that could be improved? Pounds to be shed, teeth to be straightened, skin to be cleared. We color, cut, straighten, clip, suck, tuck, hide, and adorn.
Psalm 139:13-14 tells us, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
We are beautiful.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am beautiful. What about YOU? Do you feel pretty?
